Orlando Family & Adolescent Counseling

Effective July 30, 2010,  Orlando Family Counseling, Inc. is officially closed for serving clients in the Orlando area.   The new company name is: Charlotte Family Counseling Center. The new office is located at 2012 W. Highway 160, Suite 2, Fort Mill, SC 29708.

The new phone number is (704) 236-9390. The Fax number is (407) 644-4743. We look forward to serving clients in the greater Charlotte area of the Carolinas.

On June 30, 2010, Orlando Family Counseling closed the  Orlandooffice location.   The Maitland office will also be closed on July 30, 2010. We are sorry for not being able to continue serving our clients in the Orlando and Maitland areas.

While picking up a dress at David’s Bridal ( I will be a mother -of-bride in ten days), I  overheard one of the bride -to- be saying “Yes, this is the right one! He’d better be the right one! My mom wants this to be the right one!” She said, “This is the first time I am getting married. And I want this one to work.” I found myself picturing a well-planned wedding event when everything is beautiful and wonderful and  fast forwarding to after the wedding , sooner or later, the tests come in. My best wish to all newly wed is that they are prepared to try hard to have a blessed marriage that lasts a life long.

Too many couples have been disappointed about how their marriage started deteriorating over the years after the wedding vows. Yes, after the honeymoon when the bills came in, after the carefree life without children, reality sets in and you find that it is not a -happy-thereafter life at all. Where did the fun go? Where was the sparkle? Is this the person that I was so much in love with? What has changed? What went wrong?

Did someone ever tell you that Marriage is hard work? “Two persons getting married” means two very different individuals with different backgrounds, different upbringing, different life styles, different ways of looking at things and different approaches to do things have committed their lives together to be husband and wife, to love each other and to cherish each other. This means the husband and wife have committed to love each other forever. The rest of the married life is a learning process about loving your spouse through life’s ups and downs. What kind of love is that, if you can not withstand life’s trials together? A beautiful marriage does not happen instantly. In a healthy marriage, both husband and wife continue to discover strengths of each other, admit the weakness that each has. They accept and appreciate the differences of each other and grow together. And it is worth it!

So allow me to share the ten important tips for a lasting marriage:

1. Have a vision for your marriage and your family. This means that you can picture what kind of home life you would like to have; what kind of atmosphere your would like to live in. Have a big picture for your marriage and your family. Nurture your marital relationship by investing 100% of your heart toward your spouse. Welcome changes even when it is the least expected. Take that as an opportunity to grow together.

2. Focus on what you can do to enhance or improve the relationship, not on demanding what your spouse needs to do differently:Exception for this is when you are in an abusive relationship where substance abuse or domestic violence is present. In this case, you do want to make your expectation clear for your spouse to get help. You do want to make sure you are safe.

3. Overlook imperfection of your spouse if it is not a matter of life or death, physical abuse or substance abuse, immoral or illegal.

4. Learn to communicate healthily and effectively. Avoid argumentative style. Your home is not a court where argument of your case is justified. No one need to win. You are to work things out as a team.

5. Compliment your spouse sincerely to build him/her up:Appreciate your spouse the way he/she is.

6. Show respect to your spouse in front of others - your children, in-laws, friends and include strangers; Show respect to your spouse even when no one is watching; Be on the same page with your spouse in disciplining your children.

7. Provide timely support to your spouse that he/she can relate, i.e. discover her/his love language and do what touches her/his heart. Carve out a time to be together intimately. Make time for each other as husband and wife. Cultivate your love daily, do not take your spouse for granted.

8. Forgive and move on: Forgive and don’t hold grudges. There is nothing worse for a child than when parents live in bitterness with either frequent fights or prolonged cold wars.

9. Pray together as husband and wife. “If you pray together you will stay together.” -This was one outstanding encouragement that my husband and I received in our wedding 32 years ago. It has allowed us to gain timely wisdom and strength from above in raising our three children.

10. Bless each other on a daily basis: Bless and don’t curse each other! The power of your words is tremendous, so use it wisely. I have seen couples turning their relationship around through learning to bless each other daily.

If you are both emotionally healthy and are committed to your marriage, you would have healthy boundaries set for your marital relationship. Inside this boundary, you should be able to continue your growth individually and collectively as a couple. That will look like this: you both feel safe to discuss concerns without getting into frequent fights; you can make decisions together or separately according to the nature of the matter without getting into arguments often; your children feel safe and secure with you both at home.

I hope that no one reads this article is going to interpret that love in your marriage means that you lost your self in your marriage, and therefore do not take good care of yourself. It means that your spouse can trust you, and vice versa. That means that you are in touch with each other’s feelings even when you are not physically next to each other. That does not mean that you smother your spouse and demand to be together physically all the time. That does not mean that you need to question every move of your spouse and make decision for your spouse.

Some of you grew up in an alcoholic family as a kid and learned to give in and to make peace all the time to the point that you now resent your spouse for doing nothing in the relationship. Some people grew up in a violent environment and learned to deal with frustrations with anger; some has learned to avoid any issues at all cost. Some has no sense of self worth to value your role in the marital relationship. If any one of these descriptions fit you, please consider individual and/or marriage counseling to help you learn a new way of living together with you spouse. Orlando Family Counseling, Inc. is dedicated to assist you with bettering your marital relationship. If you decide to get help, please contact Pat at (407) 929-9987 to schedule an appointment.

How often does your spouse get mad at you over  something you said? When was the last time that your feeling got hurt because your spouse did not listen to what you were saying?  Are you frustrated because you don’t know how to make sense to your spouse? Do you wish that you feel more valued by your spouse? When you look back you would say, “Why did we fight over those petty stuff?” Most couples experience communication problems, you are not alone. Is it possible to have good communication with your spouse? YES! Many couples have done so. So can you!  The answer lies in  changing your way of communication. Couples will communicate better by adopting the following skills:  good listening, look for the positives of your mate,  and communicating using positive words  and body languages. It is also important to have a set time carved out regularly for the two of you to share with each other.

Before you can start doing the right stuff, you would need to say good bye to your negative communication pattern that has become automatic and negative. Those are the crazy cycles  started with certain hot button words” (Eggrichs, Cracking the Communication Code). Get rid of these problematic behaviors and replace them with skills of discovering each other’s strengths, and recognizing each other’s efforts.

I have enjoyed helping my clients rediscovering each other during the couple counseling sessions using these techniques. It will work like a charm when you start adopting this new way of listening, discovering the positives,  and communicating using positive words and body languages.

The most important help children and adolescents of divorced parents need is to live in a peaceful home atmosphere, in addition to knowing that they did not cause the divorce of their parents, they are not responsible for getting them back together, and both parents will continue to love them. It is extremely critical for adolescents to receive professional help to deal with their parents’ divorce in order to prevent substance abuse, behavior disorders, anxiety disorder, and depression.

Many adolescents were brought to my office for therapy because of their extreme anger outbursts, violence, defiance, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, self-injuries, or suicidal ideation. And most of the time I found out that these children lived in a hostile home atmosphere. Their parents were going through a divorce or that there was a bitter divorce process, or that the post divorce situation was still very volatile.

According to the Dr. Christelle Roustit, of the Research Group on the Social Determinants of Health and Healthcare, and Universite Pierre et Marie Curie, Paris, “What is the most deleterious for the children is the atmosphere in which the separation occurs and the deterioration of the family relational processes and not the separation in itself.”

Their research of 2,346 adolescents(13 and 16 years old) and 1,983 parents who participated in the Social and Health Survey of Children and Adolescents in Quebec, Montreal indicated the following findings:

1. Overall, substance abuse, including alcohol, was approximately two-times higher in these adolescents compared with adolescents who were not going through a family breakup. Although seen in both groups, the rate of substance abuse was considerably higher among the 16-year old.

2. Oppositional attitudes and behaviors, such as fighting, damaging property and theft were increased in both age groups. 3. Levels of depression and anxiety also were higher than normal in both age groups. In particular, the risk of suicide attempts was three- to four-times higher among 13 year olds, compared with 16 year olds, Roustit said. These behaviors, however, were modified by parental support.

4. Higher rates of psychological distress reported by parents were linked with adolescent psychological distress as well as the adolescents’ acts of defiance, fighting, vandalism, animal cruelty, theft or other violations of the law, but not with adolescent alcohol use or substance abuse.

5. Adolescent psychological distress in both age groups was also strongly associated with witnessing violence between parents.

My advice for parents who are going through divorce process, or who are struggling with marital conflicts is to stop blaming each other and to seek professional help for your self and for your children. A professional counselor or Family Therapist can help you to look at your situation more objectively and to learn new ways to provide support to your adolescent children. Hence you will be empowered to create a safe and nurturing environment for your whole family while going through the process of resolving your marital conflicts.

More and more people find themselves in a long-distance relationship. It is challenging for couples to have a strong  relationship across miles. Because it is harder to keep up with each other when you don’t see each other in person for a long period of time. The key for a healthy and strong long distance relationship is for both of you to lay a strong foundation of commitment and trust for your relationship. Upon such foundation,  you would be able to set boundaries, find ways to be creative and communicative.  Couples find themselves in a long-distance relationship because of frequent work- related travels, involuntary job relocation,  unexpected job change, or other family needs or personal circumstances.  If you are struggling with maintaining a strong long- distance relationship, here are some Do’s and Don’ts for your consideration:

1. Do Communicate with each other your trust and commitment for your relationship: Your commitment and your trust for each other is the foundation for keeping a strong relationship while you are not able to be together in person.  Your words and deeds should be said and done in a way that reflect your trust and commitment for him/her.  For instance, introduce your loved one to others so that they can acknowledge him/her. Avoid letting your loved one stand by you and watching you talking with others  without being introduced. Don’t use phrases of blaming or accusation during conversation.  Focus on how you feel and communicate it with love aiming to help your loved one to understand you better, at the right time. Renew your love  for each other while you are together in person and affirm with each other your commitment and dedication to your relationship. Actions speak louder than words!

2. Do consult her/him of the dates you plan to be gone if it is up to you, otherwise let her/him know of your dates traveling afar with a written schedule and where you will stay.  Let your loved one know that you have arrived safely and let her/him know that you miss him/her and couldn’t wait to go home to be reunited.

3. If you are the one staying put, be sure to show confidence in your loved one.  Simply communicate your love for him/her, and show genuine interest in how her/his day went. Be honest in sharing your thoughts about important situation or issues. Learn about each other’s likes and dislikes and accept the difference that you have  as a couple.  Don’t try to change your spouse or your fiance’.  Do put yourself in each other’s shoes when you have a phone conversation. Learn to listen and learn to focus on the positives when you are apart.

4. Develop hobbies or plan for activities to grow yourself while your spouse or loved one is away- if you have children,  involve them in making something for the traveling parent. Help writing down words if your child is too young to write. Enjoy your life while your loved one is away for a long period of time. Share with her/him your accomplishment. It is helpful that he/she can picture how your day/week went. Keep each other updated with text message or e-mail when you can’t talk or when time difference makes it hard to talk to each other. In other words, use high tech to communicate to enhance your relationship. Give a surprise to him/her.  Make each other feel special and valued.

5. Don’t complain about anything over the phone or other means of communication. Keep your conversation sweet, calm and sincere. When you meet again face to face, use your listening ears more to show your interest in her/him. Be sensible, do not rush into discussing major problems as soon as the traveler returns home. Put your self in his/her shoes. If  you have a home to manage, bills to pay, be sure to arrive at a mutually agreed upon way of handling the finance prior to being apart.  If you can not arrive at agreement you may want to go for marital counseling or couple counselingto help you to agree on certain principles. The traveler needs to show appreciation to the one stays and avoid being critical when return home. A healthy  relationship does not just happen. It takes special care like a gardener tends to the flowering plants in the garden.  Do give each other space. Don’t question or interrogate about each other’s whereabouts. Don’t play a detective role. The more you interrogate, the farther you will grow apart from each other.

Above all, learn to love each other while you are apart can really make you a stronger person and when you help each other to grow you would also grow together as a couple.

When couples come in to see me for marital counseling, they often  started with, “We have grown apart over the years.” “I am not in love with my husband any more.” Or , “I don’t feel love for my wife.”  People express feelings of  hopelessness and powerlessness when it comes to improve their marital relationship. There are several ways you can do to enrich your marital relationship.

• Set your marital relationship as the top priority in your life: Marriage goes through different seasons because of changes & challenges that occur along the way.  Instead of looking at the having grown apart from each other as the reason to get a divorce, look at it as a sign for you to reassess your life priorities. Where do you place your marriage on your list of priorities?  It is important to place your marriage  as your top of priority. Couples who are parents with young children need to remember that if you are not happy as a couple together, you will not be able to do a good job as parents together.
• Commit to your marriage vows
•  Reserve time for the two of you to be together regularly. Purposely carve out a time for just the two of you to share your fond thoughts for each other.
• Develop some common interest
• Learn to communicate positively with each other for things that you don’t’ agree with each other.
• Find ways to have fun together.
• Surround yourself with other couples who value their marital relationship.
• Set healthy boundaries to guard your marriage from outside intruders or temptations such as connecting with your ex-girl friends or ex-boyfriends.
• Watch out what you do with the internet websites. Discuss and agree on some guidelines for the website for both of you . Many marriages have been destroyed because of what was posted on their websites without careful agreement between the couple.
• Review your child discipline approaches. Develop a consistent approach in child discipline. Do not exclude your partner in disciplinary decisions. Do not disagree with each other on dealing with your child’s mistakes.
• Look for good in each other and overlook the imperfection of your partner.
• Call (407) 929-9987 to schedule an appointment for Marriage Therapy. Orlando Family Counseling, Inc. has two well-experienced Therapists to assist you in gettign back to the right track for your marriage.

By Sylvia S. Roan, M.S., LCSW, BCBA

Instead of correcting your child’s behavior whenever you see a problem, focus on training your child to care about self and others. In other words, focus on the solution to the problem- i.e. raising a responsible child.

1. Set limits and provide structure.
• Communicate your expectations to your child clearly.
• Children of all ages need rules.
• Establish Daily Routines

2. Enforce Rules and Consequences.
• Let your child know what the consequence of breaking rules will be ahead of time. Follow through on enforcing punishment.
• Recognize your child’s efforts in following rules and provide reinforcement to the desirable behaviors with your attention and verbal praise.
• Avoid paying attention only to the misbehaviors.
• Communicate  clear expectations for your child’s daily responsibilities
• Reinforce your child’s efforts –using a chart to set up a system for earning rewards

3. Be Consistent.
• Discuss and agree on basic parenting principles for guiding your children.
• Be consistent each day and in every situation.

4. Be a good Role Model
• Don’t argue in front of your child

5.  Encourage Individual Growth.
• Listen to your child with undivided attention
• Show confidence in your child.
• Measure your child’s progress by setting objectives with your child.

6. Don’t use harsh discipline
• Yelling or slapping is not an effective long-term approach to discipline.
• Do not discipline your child when you are angry.

7. Aim to Build your child’s Character
• Decide what kind of a person you would like your child to become.
• Aim to raise your child to become an honest, caring, cooperative, responsible, trust -worthy adult.

8. Align your child’s activities with a Purpose
• Be careful not to set an unrealistic goal for your child. Goals need to be age and developmentally appropriate for your child.
• Avoid over expectation.
• Be innovative and enthusiastic with your child.
• Do not over schedule your child’s life.

9. Cultivate a warm and safe environment

•  Use kind words  with each other.
• Don’t judge your child or make fun of what s/he says or does, don’t tease your child about her weight or look even if you meant well.
• Preserve your child’s self esteem is a great gift you can give to your child. If you didn’t do it right, it is never too late to make a change.

10. Limit your child’s screen time or video game time- 

• Set Rules and limits for screen time ahead.
• Be consistent!
• Reinforce effective time management of your child.

Orlando Family Counseling, Inc.
467 Lake Howell Road, Suite 106, Maitland,  FL 32751
1858 N. Alafaya Trail, Suite 202, Orlando, FL 32826
(407) 929-9987 Fax: (407)644-4743
sylvia@orlandofamilycounseling.com
www.orlandofamilycounseling.com

 ”It is all your fault!” “I am never appreciated!” “It’s not fair! Why am I the only one doing everything?”  Smoke was coming out of both ears as he said those words with such anger. If you find yourself saying this kind of comments often, you must not be happy and probably are easily angered by what was said or done.  At the point of anger, hurting words are lashed out like a sharp weapon,  aiming at the person perceived as the source of his/her dismay. The result is a heated argument, or a fight.

Anger is one of the negative feelings of all human beings. Anger itself is not the problem, it is what you are going to do with that feeling that determines whether your anger is healthy or not. When your anger is displayed as a big fight- a violence against your loved one, property destruction,  or verbal abuse, then it is clear that you have an anger problem.If your child witnesses your anger outburst or rage, the impact on the child now and in the future is tremendously negative for the child’s mental health.

Is your marriage suffering because both you and your spouse are having difficulty handling your anger or frustration?  When parents don’t get along, when your home becomes a battle ground, it is a good idea to seek help before you drive each other away. Through marital counseling at the Orlando Family Counseling, Inc., you can learn to communicate instead of arguing, to appreciate instead of finding fault, to forgive instead of holding grudges, to set family goals instead of competing with each other, to focus on solution instead of keeping record of the wrongs. You will both learn to look from one another’s point of view. You won’t be reactive, instead you will both be proactive.

During a  Family Counseling sessions at the  Orlando Family counseling, inc., your counselor provides tools to help you, your spouse, and your children to share concerns calmly and effectively, and to listen to each other sincerely with caring, consequently, your family atmosphere will be transformed to be warm, peaceful,  and cooperative.  Call Orlando Family counseling, Inc. at (407) 929-9987,  if you welcome assistance in helping you or your family member to understand and manage anger better,  to enrich your marriage, and to strengthen your family bond.

Many parents have put their child in the middle of their conflicts without knowing that they were hurting the child unintentionally. For instance, when you were boiling emotionally at your spouse’s or ex-spouse’s  words or actions, you vented to your child about how wrong s/he was and how irresponsible s/he was. Out of your frustration in the daily challenges as a single parent, you may tell your child to carry a message to their dad or mom . Or you may say something like,”Ask your dad to pay for this filed trip. I don’t have money. He has money and he is simply not willing to spend on you.”.  What do you think your child felt when you or your ex told your child things that s/he had no control with?

One of the worst nightmare for a child is when parents engaged in a custody fight, one parent or both may do anything to make the visit time a battle field.  Asking a child to take side or to show sole loyalty or to make the other parent feel unwanted is the lowest of all as a parent.  Spare your child from your bitterness to each other, please.

Another common mistake is while one parent disciplines a child,  the other one defends the child. In this case, your child is put in the middle of your conflict with each other. This kind of inconsistency is one of the worst when it comes to raising a child together. Sometimes, children are put in the middle by grandparents, or aunts or uncles.  The saddest thing is when adults can’t get along and drag the children into the conflict or want the child to choose sides and show loyalty to you. If you are one of these parens, please stop doing so, for the sake of love.  Your child will be relieved when you stop engaging in this unhealthy vicious cycle.

Parents, be aware when you argue in front of your child, when you blame each  other for whatever reason, you are creating a bigger problem for the child and for your relationship. Your child will learn to manipulate between mom and dad to get what s/he wants. Your child learns to argue and to disrespect from your example.

What are your recurrent arguments about? Why do you argue with each other? Is it about spending ? Is it about lack of trust for each other? Is it about disciplining your child?  Is it about your in-laws? What ever the problems is, it is important to seek help through couple or family therapy to find a new way to communicate with each other and to your child. Children and Teenagers living in a unhappy family atmosphere tend to be angry, defiant , and depressed.  No one feels good living in a negative family. No child feels good being put in the middle of the parental conflicts. So, spare your child from your conflicts!

There are more and more blended families in America now than any other time in the history. The major task is clearly carved out for the blended family,  that is the parenting part- How to be an effective step parent? Or, how to parent your children with your spouse who are added to your family? This blog hopes to start looking at things you can do to make your blended family a healthy, loving and trusting bunch that can get along peacefully. Please feel free to share your ideas and experiences.

I would encourage you to share your goals for your blended family. What are the goals that you have for your blended family? You do not have to use your real name, but you may want to describe the make up of your family. I wait to hear from you about your dreams and expectations for your blended family.